I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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