HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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