We're facebook friends in real life
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
