He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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