I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
