walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
