My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am one with the molecules
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
