FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
