i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I have post one night stand depression
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
