That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
