I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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