i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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