he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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