i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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