That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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