If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My dad just said "fuck circus"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
