now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
