The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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