I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize