need another drink. this is the easiest way
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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