The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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