A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize