i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
