Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
