I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I would fuck him just for his dog
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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