I'm gonna have a badass scar
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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