I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You ate ashes out of my bong
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize