hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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