he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
that is very illegal...i love you.
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