Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she smelled like a LAN party
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
