mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
