FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
