Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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