I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
