The maid of honor just puked.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
