someone get that fucking seahorse.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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