last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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