She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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