Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
