zippers are such a cool invention
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My ass is underappreciated
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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