either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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