my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize