I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
