You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
