chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
