I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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