that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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