I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think i got beer on your cat.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
