this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
is that a dick in a sweater?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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