And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
