I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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