I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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