I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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