My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
