Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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