They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
